sigh

have you ever had that feeling that no matter what you do, you can never be good enough?
Despite everyone around you telling you that you are special, and that you mean something to them, you feel like you dont matter...
Have you ever woken up one day and realised that the end that you are chasing only moves further and further away from you?
Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just a part of being human, maybe life is just a tragedy that you convince yourself to sit through hoping it will get better somehow.
But then you realise, that the 'GOD' that gives also takes away. Leaving scars, nay not even that...mere emptiness in you.
People tell you, if you feel that void, look for God, he will reach out to you...but what they dont tell is that after he reaches out, he fucks you over.I am not angry, I dont hate God, i merely dispute his existence. If he exists I am thankful for all he has given, but I am also scorned for all that he has denied me. Especially my prime wish: to get hit by a car.

Somehow, you make life work for you...you keep up appearances, you go ahead and that endless end you chase just might get a tad nearer. Or so you think.

That very moment you dare to think something has worked out for you, it's gone. Where? NO one knows. All of a sudden the world is that cold, bleak, dark place again. And you are alone; incapable.

You drown yourself in insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. Keep drowning. Wishing you would die, but you never do. It's just a whole lot of pain, but you survive. With tell-tale scars.

You wont die. Death wont come that easy for you. Because even to die a painless death, you are unworthy of.

So you sit and wait, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. But you have been fooled one too many times to keep believing that. You try to deceive yourself, but you cant. So you cry, hoping the pain will go away, the scars will fade and the inevitable truth of what will become is not true.

Who are you kidding?